Catch up

What’s been happening in Collie’s world. Things were in a kind of holding pattern for the longest time. I am in the very wonderful position of having a lot of time on my hands and lot of time to imagine great things. My project The Healing Path, was well and truly stuck. I had finally found a secretary and a treasurer to sign a document for me. Lets call it document 1. Document 1 set out the rules and regulations for an association in France and it was clear I was not going anywhere without an association.

I had visited San Patrignano in the summer time and while I was there learning about social enterprise, addiction and recovery, I got news that I had received my first funding for the HP. So a bank account was important. However in France you can’t open a bank account for an association if you don’t have document1. Document 1 must state who the secretary, the treasurer and the chairperson of the association are. So we got all that done and sent it to the bank.

The bank manager rang telling me I needed a siren, a kbis and that I must post the association in the official journal. When I asked which journal was the official one, then the phone call descended into farce. I asked question after question, was LeMonde the official journal? Was it NiceMatin? She told me I could indeed post the information in these places but I would still have to post it in the official journal. I finally asked for an email outlining what was required, and I would google it and do it the rest.

Document 1 also allowed me to get document 2 which was a statement saying the association had been created. The Siren couldn’t be obtained without 1 and 2 and the Kbis couldn’t be obtained without the siren. After spending copious amounts of money to lawyers sites and automatically signing up in the small print for more money, for a year, which was unnecessary , and getting my money back by sending indignant emails, I finally got a siren. Almost the same thing happened for the Kbis, but I was wise to the trap this time and paid my 1.50 got my document then cancelled the subscription right away. All this because the legal government sites didn’t work.

We couldn’t have a bank account. We didn’t have everyone’s id and we didn’t have an designated controller of the bank account in Document 1. So we had another meeting where the treasurer had already decided this was too much stress and withdrew, and a new treasurer was elected/appointed. I got his passport details and sent all to the bank and finally we had an appointment fixed.

I got a phone call telling me the information wasn’t still quite correct as I hadn’t sent signed documents through ( I thought I had). Instead of arguing I reassured the bank I would bring signed documents to the appointment. The morning was me running around getting extra signatures just in case.

The meeting happened and I was informed that perhaps all was well and I should have a bank account in a few days.

That’s a bit to take in, but there is also the story, which is just as intense of trying to get someone to design a logo and a website, that I am willing to pay for, a phone line for the charity, house hunting for a place to live and trying to get an appointment with the bank to discuss a mortgage. Twice I asked and was informed no one was available so I informed them I would look elsewhere. The bank manager rang me within the hour and organised a meeting for the following Tuesday. Funny that. I will write up the rest later.

Rules rules and regulations

If you know anything about France, you will know that they love administration, bureaucracy, rules and regulations. Let’s not say they love them, lets just say it’s a big part of life here. A good example of this red tape thinking for me is my friend from Kenya who is a qualified accountant. She has worked as an accountant in Kenya for years. However here in France through whatever legalese exists she is not recognised as an accountant and cannot practice. This is the same for doctors from Russia, and experts from almost anywhere else on the planet. There is no point arguing the logic. It’s just the way it is. I have often found the things I find illogical usually have some very solid logic behind them. In this case I fail to see it.

If you know anything about addicts and alcoholics it’s that they hate rules. Tell an alcoholic to do something and they will most likely not. It’s why some of the leading literature on the subject is couched in terms of suggestions rather than rules.

In trying to apply for my online degree, and get funding from my company. I find I am dealing with bureaucracy on two fronts. They University want me to claim my place and put down and down payment. My mentor company (French ) have advised me to pay nothing till my parent company approve. They also want and invoice with the amount my parent company will pay and the amount I will pay. The University don’t do that. In short the University required exam results, certifications, attestations and letters of motivation, so much so that I began to take it personally. The mentor company required all that paper work, plus all the paper work the University sent me, like the student manual the course outline etc; plus the specific invoices. They also wanted the course advertisement and the people to connect with in the university. It’s a lot of back and forth with me as the middle guy. I only get to learn in stages what is required. No one has a set list to start with. Eventually the mentor company will show every thing to the project manager who will approve then send it to HR in my Parent company. The parent company will make a decision and get back in touch with the mentor company and if it’s favourable will eventually pay the fees.

It doesn’t end there. I am also required to create an association. In other words a charity. I have been promised some seed money and I can’t get it without a bank account and charity number for the organisation. So I decided to forge ahead and create the charity online. I found out it’s not so simple. The charity needs to have met already, created a set of rules and kept minutes. The issue I have right now is that of the people who are vaguely interested in helping me, one is in New York, one in Donegal, one in Monaco and one in Nice. We have to approve and sign the paper work then submit the paper work for approval. At least we have access to online models of such paper work. So my solution is to grab an online meeting with everyone, and get electronic signatures. I have some resistance to that. I am telling myself a story I won’t be able to get these people to meet at the same time or agree on anything.

This may seem straight forward for anyone who is reading this. But I am an alcoholic, I have that tendency to sprint through the marathon, and start the sprint a day late. then not understand why everyone else hasn’t kept up with me or how they got ahead of me. I also collapse before the end in frustration. So at this point in time, I am trying to remind myself of a line I read frequently in the Big Book of AA, nothing , absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by mistake.

So with gritted teeth , I take a deep breath through my nose, I loosen my jaw, I feel the shoulders relax. I remind myself that a step forward has no size. Progress is not measured in feet and inches nor minutes or hours. This will all come together or it won’t. Forward movement is forward movement and even though I am fixed on an outcome, and I want that outcome yesterday, I have to allow the time. It’s the Universes way of giving me time to relax and enjoy life on life’s terms. It’s not a punishment. We are not here to suffer.

Frustration and Fear are Energy Stealers

My mood has been off for days. My situation to recap is that I am currently be paid my salary by my company while on gardening leave after they had to restrict certain roles in the company for financial reasons.

Many factors come into play but if I can find a training course that is adequate for my reconversion, I can be paid for up to two years on a reduced salary.

This is a wonderful opportunity to create the ‘Healing Path’ and also to gain further education that can me in quest to help people walk a spiritual path to sobriety.

I wrote the headline for this piece a few days ago when I was getting myself stressed out about things that are out of my control. I have a degree from D.C.U. and a postgrad dip from D.I.T. My new universities have asked me for evidence of my results. I supplied my transcripts to University A, and they offered me a place, but then they changed their phone number, didn’t answer my calls, didn’t reply to emails and so I checked for some online reviews. The results were shocking.

I contacted my liaison officer who is helping with my gardening leave and reconversion and informed him to stop everything while I get some feedback from University B. University B has sterling reviews online. They have the same transcripts as University A. However, the transcript is missing the thesis result.

So I get onto to DCU, who then send a statement of my course completion with an incorrect mark. This is not good enough for University B. They want an honours degree. I have one. I am back in touch with DCU. They send a statement with the correct mark, an honours 2:1 in communication studies. Still not good enough for University B. They want my thesis mark. DCU don’t have it. I argue the toss by email that I can’t get an honour degree without having completed a thesis. What is the problem ? Use your common sense please? Nope. Not good enough. I realise I am in fear. I am in fear of this amazing opportunity going up in smoke because of red tape or someone, anyone, refusing to use sense and I am not trusting my higher power. What if HP doesn’t actually want me to study this degree and has a better plan?

I decide to connect with DIT where I did my postgrad. I have been waiting for Transcripts from them for 7 weeks now. They can’t find my results either. It seems both Dublin Universities didn’t manage to keep relational databases in the late 1990s? Both universities, where I used computers learned how to type and wrote my own thesis in each case, didn’t keep electronic records.

Finally DIT send me a statement that I passed my postgraduate diploma with a distinction, ( still proud of that one 🙂 ). I forward this to University B where I am expecting an answer to say, ‘Yes we accept you onto the course and please register.’ Ah, no. Now they request a motivational letter, a copy of my passport and then they will forward my application to the admissions office.

I get the sense I have been dealing with a middle man who wants to cover every base possible to ensure I get admitted. Frankly I have found the experience more than frustrating. Again my question, why am I getting bent out of shape? This is the will of the Universe. What will rushing into anything get me? Perhaps this ‘down’ time is a gift to be enjoyed?

So here I am this morning, waiting 5 hours in Vienna airport to get to Dubrovnik from Nice. My good friends from Chicago are celebrating a wedding anniversary and I will join up with their whole family for 2 nights. I have no idea what I am letting myself in for.

I attended a meeting last night and didn’t turn on my volume apparently after it, although I think I did. I didn’t hear my alarm this morning and woke an hour late. My morning routine binned, I showered and left quickly, catching an uber to the airport. I arrived in plenty of time.

I found myself meditating in the car and reminding myself that meditation doesn’t relax me, it makes me aware. Relaxation is a choice. I gave into it.

I meditated formally on the plane. 54 days without a break so far. I wonder how long I will manage before I have a day where I don’t do it. I will publish this, and just give in to the adventure.

HP is so good and loving. I get to support friends, I am abundant loved and blessed. This is the Healing Path.

Ooops I almost forgot, the tiredness I feel is the hangover from all the frustration and fear, that changed absolutely nothing, gave me absolutely nothing and were a complete waste of time and energy. Take a breath, express gratitude, and allow it to be the way it is.

The Alkie at San Pa

I am the alkie. This place is so inspiring.

At least that’s what I wrote a week ago and then never finished. There is a lot going on in my head and the reality is I am putting myself under pressure that is completely needless.

I had applied to two universities online to study a Masters in Psychology. The deal at present in my world is that my company will pay a good chunk of the fees, and keep my salary while I train. That’s just an amazing blessing. I seem to be struggling to accept I am worth this wonderful opportunity. There are threads of guilt and awkwardness.

The other part of my current situation is that I have a company , that accompany me in my reconversion. So it’s a lot of red tape. A lot of bureaucracy, a lot of documentation and an addict mindset are not an ideal mix.

I have been chasing down my old universities to get transcripts. One of the new ones that I applied to , I have binned. The online reviews were atrocious. On the other hand the online reviews for the second one were brilliant and their reactivity was great too, so hopefully next time I write here, I will be enrolled in a Masters in Psychology.

Visiting San Patrignano and hanging out with addicts was as always not only inspiring but very instructive. It was great to find similarities in the way we view life, our stories our decisions. What was difficult was to imagine how to get from nothing to where they are now. A town of a 1000 people working in a social cooperative free from substance abuse disorder is no mean feat and isn’t built in a day.

study at San Pa — Study Group at San Patrignano

I need to keep my sights much lower. If I can create a community of 10 people, 5 sober and clean who help the other 5, then that would be huge. Even If I start with 3 people, it’s something. We all have to start somewhere. I read a quote the other day, that you don’t have to be great to start, but you won’t ever be great unless you do start. It motivates me.

It’s not a question of greatness, its a question of starting. I have received some funding , which is amazing. So I have to practice my gratitude and continue with my baby steps. It’s challenging. I am learning.

Where am I ? How did I get here?

It seems strange writing about how a place came to be, that doesn’t exist yet. Where I am at present is a place of flux, ignorance, stress, and faith.

Is this where I write about my story of addiction? It’s pretty mundane I would say, only it’s not pretty and mundane is a word used by those who have lived more, when they judge those who have lived less.

At present I am in a situation which is enviable. I have time and I have money coming in. It won’t last. My first plan is to do an Masters in Psychology, my second to buy a farm somewhere. My third plan is bring all that together to set up The Healing Path.

French law and administration is a nightmare even for the French. I am currently working with someone who is supposed to be helping. As I tried to explain the project , I mentioned I was going to Italy,

‘Yes but this isn’t Italy’, she interjected before I could finish my sentence.

Later after many other interjections I tried to explain about a project I know of here in France, but that didn’t wash with her either, she was asking questions of me, that I should be asking of her. It was early morning I hadn’t meditated yet. She talked about this medical set up and finally I lost my cool. I found myself shouting and trembling.

” For God’s sake, shut up and let me talk, how can I explain anything to you if you keep interjecting? It’s not possible, this my life and my future here we are talking about, you understand nothing of the project. You are the one supposed to be telling me how to go about it. You are not listening, you are not letting me speak, really it’s not possible”

The last time I lost my cool through frustration was about 4 years ago. It’s not normal for me. A loved one had been incredibly short with me the night before and I hadn’t slept well.

A few minutes later still trembling I apologised for loosing my cool, she was very calm and offhand and forgiving. At least her attitude changed and she started to listen. She is set on my opening an association. It requires a secretary, a treasurer and a chairperson. I don’t have three people, I have me.

‘You can’t do it all alone, its not possible’ she told me. I don’t believe her.

Surely there must be other structures that are possible but she is not forthcoming. She is set on one answer, with no alternatives. This is extremely frustrating now.

My application to university has been accepted and my current company where I work in English, need to have the application so they can sponsor my studies. Her project manager needs it all translated into French. I don’t have the original anymore as her colleague helped me edit it and I don’t have a copy.

‘Don’t worry he will translate it into French.’

Long story short, I need to cost the project or no one will rubber stamp it. That makes sense. What is this talk of getting it rubber stamped. I am not asking for permission. I am turning my future home into a centre of recovery, in stages.

The Stages

Stage 1: Set up the property to be habitable and grow enough food for any who are living there. Those initial people may well be former addicts.

Stage 2: Welcome former addicts and alcoholics to live in a disciplined way, to learn about all aspects of food from planting to storing , preparing, cooking and selling. These sales will contribute to the centres eventual income. We have a restaurant and an online site, to sell pickles, dried products, honey, etc;

Stage 3: Now these same addicts or alcoholics learn a trade, bee keeping, market farmers, potters, wood workers, decorators, artists , massage experts, meditators, yoga teachers, etc; and their eventual businesses contribute to the centre to keep it working.

This expertise will be be sold online, in the local community and on site.

Stage 4: We seek people who will pay to come and stay and learn about food, peace, tranquillity, nature, meditation and spirituality. These are people, possibly artists, possibly former addicts and alcoholics who want time away from their busy lives.

Stage 5: We are a known centre of recovery, people come from far and wide to learn and profit from our Healing path.

None of this can happen over night in my view and this is probably a 3 or 4 year plan, so how do I cost it?

Well lets just make a start.

So my next step is to head to San Patrignano and to learn what there is to learn. In meantime I better start my research into my costs.

My actions

Talk to people I know and see if they are interested in an association.
Ask questions during the conference in SanPa about European funding
Ask questions in San pa about financial stability and how the raise funds and how much from their own work and production.
Visit Berdine with the same type of questions.
Cost my first two years, including the property. What sort of revenue might we have in year 1?
Fill in the forms sent to me by the support company which is kind of number 5 but more general information included.
Translate the business plan into French.

I will leave the morning after writing this and it should be published, they next morning at 9 am. So if anyone is reading this. I am in Italy, I am asking my questions and doing my research. Keep me in your thoughts or prayers.

It’s an adventure, and despite the stress, anxiety, fear, I am conscious of the gratitude to. I am grateful for the adventure and this will be focus.

Collie

The Healing Path – A story of recovery.

A few years back after learning about a circular economy from my friend, Bela, I heard about a place in Florida that was a kind of high end healing restaurant and retreat centre and I came up with a vision.

I thought about an off grid centre of healing that could promote the idea of a circular economy. However I had no idea how to do it. Working as an English teacher at the time in the south of France, I was required to teach the principals of permaculture through English to a group of French ecology students. The three main points of Care for the Earth, Care for People and Share the surplus, blended well with my own spirituality and with the principles of a care economy. So the concept, even though vague, still had some specific direction.

I spoke with another friend called Dani and she suggested making it a rehab for addicts and alcoholics. That also seemed very logical, very new and definitely needed. The only solution we were aware of on the Cote d’Azur, was either 12 step programs, if you were lucky enough to hear about them, or what we commonly call mental hospital.

More than one acquaintance ended up in one of the hospitals here, voluntarily, under lock and key. They had been dishonest about their drug use. They had elected to have electro shock therapy, and 2 of them are now dead. A third struggles with bipolar disease, and yet still manages to apply the 12 step program and help others, who can neither get to hospital nor work a program at this point of their lives.

Months went past and not much progress was made. I was struggling with my own financial challenges and couldn’t see beyond a dream. Was it really what I wanted to do? How could we do it? Where would I start? Fear is a great miner of questions that will trip you up and have you fall into a hole of procrastination and prevarication if you let it. I did.

I watched the news of celebrities dying from overdoses, I watched close friends relapse and almost kill themselves. I saw people come into a program and run away never to be seen again. I met people who knew they had a problem but were too afraid or perhaps just too hurt to do anything about it. I saw the guy on the street who over time developed wet brain and screamed at the ghosts of his past that no one else could see. Surely a community of recovery was the answer for all of these people. But it did it have to be my home? I am a renter not an owner. How do I become an owner with land to grow food and sustain us?

Eventually , possibly out of frustration, it was time to write a business plan.

The first business plan was written about 5 years ago. I still don’t know if the business plan I have is ‘a proper business plan’ but it’s a plan. Friends continued to relapse. Strangers were reaching out to me from the blue asking was there anywhere they could send someone they loved. Each time I felt a twinge of guilt that I hadn’t acted sooner and got my shit together, but how?

Then somehow , I don’t remember how, I came across an article about a place in Italy. It was a craft magazine highlighting how the community in San Patrignano had pursued excellence. I was intrigued at this community of addicts who were producing top notch materials for 5 star hotels, leading chefs, and the fashion houses of Italy. Now this was a grand plan indeed.

It seemed just a couple of weeks later that I fell across a Netflix documentary called San Pa. I watched it all in one sitting. I was enthralled at the story of success, delighted that so many addicts had found community, recovery and connection and purpose in life. Could I dare do the same thing here in France? How could I make that work?

One of the things I notice in my story are the coincidences. Those things that come together unexpectedly as to leave you with no other obvious choice than the one in front of you. I hope to capture a few of these in the telling of the story.

I spoke with Bela about San Pa. Eventually we decided to make the trip down in his Tesla and see for ourselves just what it was, and how it was happening.

I would love to tell you the rest is history. Instead I will tell you more of the decisions I am facing today and how it came to this juncture in the road.

The Healing Path

Here I go again. Once more trying to rededicate myself to writing. At least now post pandemic, post getting to know the ropes of a great job, post many things, I have time. The site is back up. The admin side is full of spam , but I will get to it.

I am looking for a property to build a sober community. I don’t have a huge budget. I do have a business plan. Permaculture, care economy, sobriety, spirituality. Is that a way you would want to live or help others?

Recovery is a life long process. Sober living is a spiritual way of life.

In the next few weeks I hope to start detailing the business plan and property search. There is a lot to write. How I handle the fears that come up, the doubt and the stress. I haven’t had a client for healing in a long time. I have been looking after the coaching side of things.

It’s time to step into my vision and get this going.

More to come…..

Stepping Back Up and Forward

It’s been too long since I was here. Distracted by life, a world wide pandemic and many many changes. However like most people I have been growing or stuck. I haven’t been stuck. Something has shifted greatly in this last time.

I am starting a project. I want to step up and forward and I feel I have found the way. I have a vision of a holistic recovery centre. Somewhere where the suffering can come and heal. The artists can come and create. The healed can share their experience.

Ecologically minded, self sufficient and mindful would be the main principles of the entity I hope to create with a good friend. Spiritual ? Yes absolutely. A centre of health and abundance. No drugs or substances in bottles boxes or people. Not into going the chemical route.

Most food grown on site ecologically.

An absence of social media, phones, screens technology that distracts.

Promotion of tried and tested methods of giving people the tools they need to heal themselves through self reflection, exercise, diet, support, community and creativity.

In the next 24 hours I am finally… ( and it has taken me a long time to get to this point) going to go look at a possible site for this project.

This blog might become a record of progress , I am not yet sure. I have to speak to some people about the best way forward. However, I hope I find the discipline to keep it updated more than have over the past years.

It’s good to be back.

The Big Shift

After over a year on a lock down that no one saw coming, no one ever experienced and most people felt something about, it’s time to ask where are we now? Have you undergone or do you now wish to undergo a big shift in your life?

Through out my life I have worked jobs because they were there, some of them were highly skilled and some were much less so. It was just what I did, need money to live, need a job for money. I didn’t hang around. I have worked in hospitality, camera crews for movies and television, hospital maintenance, also with the sick and dying, and with the dead, I have worked in I.T. and photography and I am a writer. I have made my money over the last few years teaching, amongst other things. My life has been a huge adventure but I know now I am ready for something else.

One of the things I know for sure is I am not my job. Perhaps during lockdown, you have spent more time doing some things you never really had time for before, or more time discovering, or perhaps more time procrastinating, complaining, delaying, prevaricating and wishing it was different. I made great strides in my spiritual life, I became certified as a life coach, I read a lot of great books, and I also did a lot of delaying and procrastinating.

Being locked up against the will isn’t fun. Neither is working in job where I feel under appreciated or not accepted. I don’t need any more training or certificates. I have a plethora of them because I enjoyed learning. Nowadays I am actively learning from others and finding my worth and strength. I am finding my true power. I am good with people.

I am a creating a new business in the area in which I live. I have been working on it for the last few months. Sometimes its daunting and scary. Sometimes it’s exciting and exhilarating. Keeping it in the day, and being true to myself are just the key elements.

One of the concepts that has helped me is Ikigai.

What is Ikigai? Well Wikipedia tells me ” Activities that allow one to feel ikigai are not forced on an individual; they are perceived as being spontaneous and undertaken willingly, therefore they are personal and depend on a person’s inner self”

How I find my Ikigai is at the intersection of the following

What am I good at?
What do I love?
What can I get paid for?
What does the world need?

If you can answer at least these four questions and see where the concurrence is or where each intersects, then you have your bliss. It might help you in making the big shift and moving forward into a more willingly productive happy life.

Why Do I set myself Goals

I wrote about Goal setting and it put me on writing pause. I keep thinking, why ? They say Why is not a spiritual question, but… Why do we set ourselves goals? Or should the question be why do we set goals for ourselves? Already this is a sign of overthinking and getting into a spin.

So it would seem, the society we live in is a Hierarchical , goal oriented, winner takes all, pyramid shaped, top down, celebrity driven model, whereby we must perform, we must excel, we must do better than the other. I have never been a competitor, at least not a successful one. My reality is one of participation. Why? Simply through low self esteem I never thought I could be the best at anything. That didn’t prevent me from being the best. I got a distinction and was top of my class in my graduate diploma, but that had not been a goal. The goal was just to make movies. It’s still a goal of mine. However being the best, or at the top or the number 1 is … not so attractive. So why do I, Collie, the guy behind crackingthecircle.com , why do I set goals if not to be at the top?

I set goals to manage my day. I set goals so that I don’t , especially in these pandemic times, get bored. I set goals to give myself direction, and mostly, I set goals to be my best self.

All of us have a skill set. All of us have a contribution to make to society, or humanity. Each and every one of us has value. We all know something that can help another person. I have learned that just because I don’t appreciate someone’s views or actions, it doesn’t stop those views or actions being appreciated and beneficial to others.

So in keeping with the philosophy of , ‘I am here on the planet, what can I do? ‘ and also the finding solutions instead of looking at problems, I have set myself a goal. It’s a vision. It’s a big thing in my eyes. It’s a challenge to myself. It gives me purpose, it will definitely help others and I have the drive and the passion to make it happen, perhaps partly because the alternative is unimaginable.

In order to achieve this high and mighty vision I have to take baby steps. I have to work on my self esteem. I have to take small bites. Not that I would ever eat an elephant, but as the question and answer go, it’s only something that can done one bite at a time.

As I move forward most days, I might set the goal of just sending out a query, or a bigger task of completing a project plan. It doesn’t really matter. The goal or the intention is set in order to realise the vision. The vision exists because it’s what I finally choose to do. I choose to do it, because I have gotten to a place where I believe I can do it. I believe I can do it, because I have listened to the voice of the universe, speaking to through those I love and care for and what I have heard has led me to this conclusion.

Set goals. For yourself. Set goals because of who you are. Set goals to be your best self within your abilities. Set goals every day, and don’t worry if they are not achieved. We are not perfect, we miss the target sometimes. But set goals and stay open . The Universe may tell me the conclusion I see ,is not what it wants, perhaps it only wants me on the journey for a small time. Nonetheless, I see the possibilities, I believe in them. So I set my goals.

Now I have my answer. Why do you set goals?